The Purple Jar

I learned this morning that yesterday, Rene Tabianan, the erstwhile elected Kapitan of Brgy. Villahermosa (Oriental/ Occidental) was gunned down yesterday in the poblacion of Pagsanghan, Samar.  Up to now, I cannot believe that the level of election violence in my home town has reached such a crescendo that the life of an INNOCENT MAN will  be taken away just like that. Pinatay ng mga hindi kilalang tao.  The gunmen fled off into the mountains, with the police giving the noncommittal chase (as if they would really catch those goons noh?).  Rene left behind his young kids and a pregnant wife. Why? Why was this man’s life taken away with a bullet to the head? ALL BECAUSE HE IS A LEADER IN [T]HIS SIDE OF THE POLITICAL FENCE. (And warning for those of you who will read on, what follows is a rant, a very angry rant.)  There is no doubt in people’s minds that he was killed because he was not only a barangay captain of one of the biggest barangays in the municipality but also because he was one of the strongest leaders of Pagsanghan’s “Liberal” party.

A few months ago, SB Member Florencio “Nonoy” Repol (yes, same nickname as my dad’s but not related to my family) was also gunned down and killed by “di kilalang tao”—from the Waray translation, it means hired killers.  Florencio Repol was a man on the other side of the political fence, the so-called Nacionalistas.  However, compared to the killing of Rene Tabianan, the death of Florencio Repol may be–and was—attributed to other factors other than political/ election-related.  Until now, many people believe that it was because of business –may mga nagrabyado raw siya sa negosyo.  Sources close to the family are saying that the family of F. Repol believe that the reason was really because of business and not election-related.  Nevertheless, whether it was election-related or not, F. Repol’s death triggered a series of events that left the other side afraid. (Afraid and desperate enough to kill an innocent man? You be the judge.)  It reached a point that incumbent mayor Violeto “Lele” Ceracas  reached out to the other side and asked Cong. Reynaldo Uy that he be allowed to “surrender” , go to the side of the Liberal, and run under the party of Cong. Uy/ Mayor Sarmiento.  He was so desperate that he wanted to run even as an SB member (because he already knows that the term limits apply to him) However, for reasons that will not be disclosed here, Ceracas and his minions were rejected.  My own tito was already said to have promised Mayor Sarmiento that he will run with the Liberals. Eventually, that just became talk and such promises were not fulfilled. But what did happen was that three barangay captains that used to be on the Nacionalistas’ side surrendered and publicly displayed their support for Mayor Sarmiento, who everyone in Samar knows will run for Congressman in the 1st district of Samar. Thus, the pot of election fever became boiling hot long before even the first certificate of candidacy was filed.  In short, ngayon pa lang, may mga napikon. May mga gustong “gumanti”. The situation was very ripe for election-related violence. And the casualty was Rene Tabianan.

Unlike the killing of Florencio Repol a few months back, everyone will agree that Rene Tabianan was murdered for no other reason than because of politics.  Ginantihan ang mga Liberal, which is outrageous because there is no indication that the Liberals did anything to deserve such murder of one of its own. Bakit sila gaganti kung wala namang ginawa sa kanila? For so many years now, the Liberals in Pagsanghan were the underdogs. Palagi ngang talo, yung isa pa sa mga talo ang pinatay. The streets of Pagsanghan are now abuzz with possible masterminds–lele Ceracas himself? Or Jim Cañones–the Nacionalistas’ candidate for mayor? There is talk that the latter said something to the effect that “Antonieto hira, Antonieto liwat kami”–which is some sort of admission that since they think the other side is willing and able to kill, then they too are willing and able to kill (”Antonieto” being the mayor of a neighboring municipality, notorious for alleged extrajudicial killings).

Let me clarify that this is being written not to point any fingers at any one.  THis is being written as a narrative of events that transpired.  This is being written with one’s own opinions. And most of all, this is being written out of a concern for how violent the politics in Pagsanghan has become. Ganyan na ba ka desperado ang mga tao Sa Pagsanghan para sa pera at puder para pumatay sila ng inosenteng tao? And I would not even care except that my own mother is a leader of the Liberals. And call me biased if you will but it is a truism that all politics is personal.  My mother, being the good Catholic that she is, will never stoop down to the level of election-related killing.  But unfortunately, she has found herself in the middle of the war path.

It used to be so different.  I grew up with politics as an essential part of the history of my family.  The first mayor of the municipality of Pagsanghan was my dad’s father.  Then after the Edsa revolution, he was ousted by my mom’s brother.  As a child, my mom and dad were of course on opposite sides. Uy v. Repol.  The first three mayors of Pagsanghan were either Repol or Uy— my lolo, my tito, and my tito’s wife. It used to be so mundane as my dad supporting his brother’s wife rather than my mom’s brother for mayor.  It was about the meetings de avance. There were yet no outrageous sums of money being paid to voters.  There was yet no illegal registration of voters.  There was no bantayan of each side’s people. There was no such thing then as murdering political leaders.

But the picture of politics in Pagsanghan has now changed. It has become bloodied by the lives of innocent victims like Mr. Tabianan.  Hindi ba dapat laro lang ang pulitika? That’s how it’s called, an election CONTEST.  The other side used to pay dirty by alelgedly cheating their way into the municipal hall—every recent election was rife of ballot switching and terror tactics.  PERO NGAYON, MAY PATAYAN NA.  I know for a fact that politics is dirty.  But I didn’t know just how dirty and twisted it was—until now.  For me, it just seems so stupid that for pride, money, and power, things would have to end up like this. And nothing could be closer to home than killings like that in a small town like Pagsanghan.  Dapat kahit anong away sa pulitika, at the end of the day, all of us belong to and are from that town.  When we go to Manila and see each other here in the malls, it doesn’t really matter if you’re Liberal or Nacionalista but that you are from Pagsanghan.  Politics in our town used to be exciting, crazy, and yes, dangerous pero kung may patayan na, ibang usapan na yan.  Naisip ko talaga na “ganon na pala kasama ang mga tao diyan.”  For me, Pagsanghan had always seemed so idyllic, not just referring to it as a place but also to its people. Yes, i have also seen how bad it can get when it comes to politics but I never expected that a day will come when the concept of election-related killings will reach our shores.  Not in Pagsanghan.  Until the day of October 14.

I knew Rene Tabianan. He was welcomed as a guest in our house many times over. He was just not a face nor just a name.  He was a leader, a son, a husband, a father. But now, he has also become an unfortunate victim of the insanity of politics.

So what now? Will the killings not stop until one side says stop?  Otherwise, the cycle of violence will simply continue.

As my mother’s daughter, I will be lying if I say now that I am completely sure that I still want my mother to remain in the political realm.  We will not go hungry if my mother exits politics. (She lost an election once and her business became even more successful.)  Politics may have been in our family’s tradition and history but it was never our bread and butter. Hindi kami yumaman at nagpayaman dahil sa pulitika. in fact, if we compute everything from day one, if politics were purely treated as a monetary investment, lugi pa. Dahil hindi kami magugutom maski wala yan sa amin, we will never be desperate to take lives–unlike some very sick people.

But then again, whether win or lose, what about playing cleanly, openly, fairly? Play politics decently. Be real men. Do not hide behind the anonymity of your hired killers. Do not erect higher fences along your noveau riche houses.  And most of all, do not spill blood in the streets of Pagsanghan because of your hunger to hold on to your power. Meron ba kayong tinatago? What are you so afraid of that you will kill just so that you can remain in power? Are you simply afraid to lose or is it something else? Hey, losing in the elections should not be the end of anyone’s world.Or talaga bang wala na kayong ibang pagkakakitaan?

I fear for my mother’s safety everyday that I am not there with her. But on the other hand, one part of me cries out for justice. And to this end, I will support my mother in her fight. HINDI PWEDENG PALAMPASIN ANG MGA GANYANG KABALASTUGAN.  Will we do more justice for Mr. Tabianan by continuing with our fight or by simply taking ourselves out of the game? Kung nasa isang laro ka, at kung sobra sobra na ang pandaraya at panggagago ng kabila, wala ka nang ibang dapat gawin kung hindi huwag na maglaro. And that is perhaps the only way anyone will win.  Because the other side cannot really call themselves the winners if they had cheated and murdered their way to their positions.  And because there will never be winners –only losers–if both sides perpetuate the violence.

Should we say to hell with you /GAME OVER or should the next course of action be simply to stay the course and fight the good fight? What I only hope for is that there will be an end to the violence that has flared up in my beloved town.  There is a little hope in me that this will be an isolated incident—that the cycle of violence will soon stop before it even starts. I hope that people will realize how senseless these murders are when put out of the context of election fever and hot heads.  I hope that people from both sides of the political fence will be shocked and outraged with what has happened that they will realize the truth that this is all a game and that lives of people should never be paid as a price to win at something as stupid and childish as this game.

It’s a fool’s hope. But that will be my hope and my prayer.

And perhaps that is the only way we can give justice to Rene Tabianan.

At
last, it is over. One year of our lives given to the sacrifice that law
students all over the country have to make in order to finally cross
the line and be able to declare "we are lawyers".

It was only
yesterday that I was able to go back to my tita’s place in Mandaluyong
where I had a room to myself as I spent more than five months reviewing
for the Bar.  I went there to fix all my bar stuff to be passed on as
"inheritance" for Loudette, one of my anaks in the sor who’s taking it
this year.  I even told my tita not to touch my stuff, just in case i
don’t make it.  And being there had an eerie, haunting feeling. This
was whereI isolated my otherwise A.D.D. self from tv and the internet
last year to be able to focus more on the toil of reading and
studying.  I remember how i counted the days, how i highlighted each
day that passed in my customized "Bar calendar", and the feeling of
utter desolation from being confronted with the inevitable fact that I
had nothing to look forward to except more and more days of study. 

I
remember there was this one day, I was studying outside in the garden
and the day almost about to reach the moment of sunset (my favorite
time of day, in any other occasion except during that time) and the
feeling that it’s turning dark and all I had been doing the whole day
was study and all i had to do (and all that i ever could or should do)
for the rest of the night was to STUDY.  I remember that I was texting
then with Viv and Polka and i remembered feeling so lonely.  It was a
burden that yes, I shared with all my friends and sisters and brods
that were also going to take the exam but unmistakably, it was also a
burden that each of us had to carry alone–the crux of disciplining
oneself, of trusting in one’s abilities, of being able to say with
conviction that one has given it his or her all., if not one’s best.

The
whole process was not an easy task. It demanded and yes, it took a lot
from us. And to some, to a greater extent than others.

I
have been vindicated, for all that I have done, for all that I have
not.  But that is not to say that those who did not make it did not
sacrifice as much, nor that they toiled less.  I know them and of them,
I know what they have been through and if only it was a matter of sheer
effort and determination, then they deserve to pass as much as the rest
of us who did. 

***

Thank
you to all of you who have sent their greetings of congratulations.
Thank you to everyone who have prayed for me.  Thank you to everyone in
my family–my mom, my dad, my brother, Tita Letty and Tita Gay — for
the unconditional love and the unwavering support, despite all the
demands, despite all the hardships. You have been my rock not just
during the Bar and its aftermath, but always.

Thank
you to the sisters–to Archon Kata, to my babies, to the resident
sisters, to the alumnae–for being there for us aaalllll the way.  This
year, it’s our turn naman.  We will stand by all the sisters who will
take it, just as you were all there for us.

Thank
you to my G4 girls–Polka, Sands, and Aissa–for the steadfast
friendship and love.  To Aissa, for being my telebabad mate all
throughout the bar, for quelling my countless panic attacks [the
legendary anti-Bar Blues method of Ms. Llave to follow in another post,
as promised!], and for epitomizing the word "coolness" in the review
and in the exam.  To Polka, for all the snack

breaks  in Ateneo and for being the uber-dependable text rant partner
and for bringing us all to Manaoag. To Sands, for being the sagely
counselor and gourmet food provider (pizza party!) and for being the
best listening ear and advice giver and office mate.Sands, you know i
would not have survived my post-bar life without you.  To all of you,
for being just over-all the three of the greatest friends in the world!
Syet, 100%!!! (and ms. gan, the proper "caption" of this 1st bar night pic was: how we will feel when we learn that we passed the bar!)

To
Vivian Tan, my setmate, ka-batch, Vice Archon,Most Outstanding Deltan
of 2006 and now, Bar Top 10 placer!! I know you’ve been through a lot.
But see how it all turned out so well for you You of all people deserve it and I am so proud of you.

To
the UP Law community, to Winlaw, to LSG, thank you thank you thank you.
Thank you to everyone who’s part of our barops. Thank you to PY for her
leadership and thank you to everyone who proved that we are indeed One
UP Law. And special thanks goes out to Sir Teddy Te. You don’t how much
your inspiring and enlightening text messages have helped. And thank
you for your prayers for our batch.  I will never forget your welcome
sight along the UP tent each and every Bar Sunday.

To my CSPD
(and Tax) girls,Vera, Sands and Christine. it was the best waiting for
the Bar results with you.  I will never forget all our fearless
forecasts  and all our news proliferation (as early as January, man!)
and of course, the priceless look on Ms. T’s face as she called up the
PICC and pretend that she’s part of PMAP who wants to book an event to
find out the exact dates that the Supreme Court has booked the
oathtaking!

To
UP College of Law Class of 2007, I am proud of each and everyone of
you. I am proud that I belong to this batch.  We may now be on our
separate paths –some faced with the challenge of our careers, some
with that of braving the bar again– but we will always have our four
or five years together in Malcolm and our Bar journey with us, always
giving us something to look back on, and to unite us despite the time
and the distance.

And
to you…my god, we have been through so much.  Apparently, it was not
only I who had undergone the most difficult exam of my life so far but
also you, also us. You may not be perfect, but you were there, you held
my hand, you comforted me, you kissed and hugged all my fears away. And
afterwards, you gave me the best reason to hope and to believe that I
deserve to pass. You made me realize that I had to pay a price to get
here and you made me realize that if that was indeed the price I had to
pay in order to make it, then it was definitely worth it.  Because you
showed me that anything worth having is worth sacrificing for, worth
crying for, worth giving myself for. And now, I made it, we made it.
And we’re still here, holding hands.

A
chapter of our lives have ended. We can now put all that behind us now,
bringing only the lessons and the wonderful memories.  I still believe
that the making the Bar exams does not in any way guarantee that one
will be a good or great lawyer.  Unlike the Bar, that test will take
not just a year of our lives but a whole lifetime.  We have not become
lawyers just by the mere fact that we passed the bar. We’ve started to
become lawyers the day we stepped inside law school and decided that
we’re going to see it through.We’ve started to become lawyers the day
we decided that we love the law, we love justice. And that is a choice
that we still make today.   I have not turned into lawyer overnight. I
am still becoming. 

It was and remains to be an honor to go on this journey with all of you. Thank you. Maraming maraming maraming salamat.

I have missed
this…to spend the days without any schedule, without any quotas of
pages to read.A very pronounced departure from how it was in the last
five months of my life. Takes some getting used to actually.

Since
being released from the shackles of the Bar exams, I have watched only
a measly amount of movies on DVD, compared to the amount of my free
time. Bobby, Godfather I & II (forget part 3!), Knocked Up (mej
walang kwenta but what the heck), A Good Year (take me to Provence!),
and caught up with my Grey’s Anatomy and DH fixation.

I
have vowed to finish the scrapbook i have been making for my mom for
the last two years. This time, i will have it ready in time for her
birthday on the 27th.

Today,
I had breakfast with Anton. Wheat bran cereal for him and Blueberry
Morning flakes for me while reading the Inquirer together. Our piece of
heaven in an imperfect world.

I
plan to go shopping soon and build my office wardrobe. Because the
prices in the malls can get ridiculously expensive, I will tap my
seamstress to make me some suits for the office and maybe some blouses.
Then I will get myself some new fuck-me shoes (or as Caroline would put
it, "pang hold-up" dahil super pointy.hehe) and mini dresses (!) to get
me all set for my underbar work in a law firm in Makati.

After
eight years, I will be a Makati girl again, where I had lived since i
was six up until i went to college. Glorietta used to be my
neighborhood mall, where we loved to go lakwatsa in our high school
days in CSA. I plan to see more of my friends over there, especially
Jen and CBZ and of course, get together with all the UP law people who
will also be transplanted to Makati come November. Bago tayo magkita
kits sa oathtaking, gimik muna tayo sa Greenbelt ha! hehe.

I
will miss the North though. This was where i had spent the most growing
up. And of course, the most fun! Makati represents for me the start of
my "adult" life because from now on, it will be work, work, work and to
learn as much as I can. But the North will still be about home, family,
and love. I have no plans of moving. I like to be in both worlds. I’m
afraid that if i go live in Makati, I will be stuck in its cold, rush
hour, uber-urbanite world.

Another chapter of my life is ending. And a new one is about to begin.
I
remember my friend Mons telling me that when you’re a student, you
measure time by semesters. As opposed to when you’re working, it seems
like just a long, long year. I wonder if that will be the case for me.
I wonder if i could take it, without the long sem breaks which I have
always looked forward to to recharge and unwind. well, the coming
months will certainly be a time for change. It’s only a question of how
well one will adjust.

These
lazy days of October are actually a period of transition. Can’t wait to
start with what’s new and at the same time, still holding on to the
familiar. I hope we could all transition smoothly–to grow into the
changes without losing what’s beautiful about ourselves and without
losing the important aspects and relationships in our lives…

The
Bar exams have taken many things from all us, to some a greater extent
than others. I hope that whatever may be the case, we each go back to
and be able to find our center, no matter what the disruption.

Good luck to all of us and see you all on the other side. Mmmmwahh!

I’m right smack in the middle of my last finals week in law school..I know i shouldn’t be online and "wasting" precious time but something about today made me feel so sad…

I went to UP this afternoon to submit my take home exam for gender–and I don’t know, maybe it was the afternoon light or the quietness, with only the clunk of my wooden wedges  echoing in the halls–something about today finally drove home the fact that I will be leaving Malcolm Hall very soon.

And to think that on my very first registration day as a law freshman, I was having serious doubts whether going to UP was the better choice than going to Ateneo instead.  I was right there in the line but a part of me was already thinking if it wasn’t too late to go enroll in Rockwell. I had apprehensions about fitting in, the whole stereotype about UP…

..But wow, talk about crossroads.  And God, how thankful i am that I chose this road over any other. I got the opportunity to study in the best law school in the country (no joke.Iba talaga.)

I never felt the weight of four years in law school. I know this is hindsight bias because several of my friends would swear that I have proclaimed too many times "Bakit nga ulit tayo nag law?!", with highlighter in hand and SCRA photocopies stacked menacingly high in front of me. 

But what I meant about not feeling the weight of four years is that my God, how it does pass by so fast.  when i was a freshman or a sophomore, young lawyer friends would tell me to enjoy law school and I was like, are you kidding?! As if disbelieving that "enjoy" and "law" could actually be used in the same sentence.  But yes, it is possible. And more than that, enjoying law and enjoying the study of law should be the goal.  And one of the greatest things i learned from the four years of being a law student is, oddly enough, that there’s a bigger life and a bigger world to be lived outside law.

…That being in law school does mean that yes, your life is somewhat put on hold but doesn’t mean that it should be the convenient excuse to not see old friends and to not go out and have fun and enjoy being with other non-legal company.  That being stressed is not an excuse to not look fabulous. That after four years, I will never remember the time i spent holed up in my room, studying this case or that commentary but what  will stay with me are the times with friends, with blockmates, with  sisters.  I did my best to learn and absorb the great legal principles and the skills to hopefully become a good lawyer and I think I’m being pretty objective when I say that I did a good job on that aspect.  I was a good law student. But I think I became a better person because I know that what mattered more to me were the stuff that will not show up on my transcript.

My God, four years of my life.  I found real friends. I came into my own looks, my own style, my own way of doing things. I became a part of my sorority, found myself embraced by my sisters and entrusted to be at its helm, and found a passion for a cause bigger than myself, where I am with women who are my sisters for life.  I entered law school with a long-term relationship, then i found the courage to find myself, went through a meaningful break-up, went out on memorable dates and finally found someone who has made me really happy, just the right person at the right time.  Four years of the most growth in my life. So far. 

There were storms. There were good days and bad days and so-so days.  But at the end of the day, I’m here and I’m glowing because once again, life has proven to me that there are no right or wrong choices.  But there can be better choices and I chose to make the most out of the path that I chose.

To all of you who have been with me in this path, you know who you are.For the times you held my hand, been the shoulder to cry on, the listening ear, the reliable reply to my text rants, the beer drinking companion–Thank You.  I will surely miss all those countless times of  togetherness–to be reminisced and  evolved into another form in our future lives, but never again to be completely duplicated.  Once we leave Malcolm Hall, that place will never be the same again.  And each time I go back there, I will think of you and our times together and the me that was there, enjoying every damn minute of it, with you.

But hey, this chapter of my life is closing. But more chapters are still spread out before me, with more chapters to make and to live. 

The rest is still unwritten.

A.B. just about said it right when we talked about law school vis-a-vis life as a lawyer over beer and chili fries one unexpected Friday night..that the sad part about being a new lawyer  is that while being in school is all about possibilities and potential, you find yourself practicing law and being expected to realize that potential, with the consequence of the frustration of  climax and of unfulfilled dreams. As if actually experiencing something lessens the enjoyment of the experience itself. Our existence is essentially a state of "the perpetual not-yet" and thus, any experience is anticlimactic, each experience an own taste of trauma.

I bask in that infinite sense of possibility, of a future always seemingly beyond my reach…while struggling to owning the gravity of the present moment.

But there was one night when there was spontaneity and perhaps an inkling of possibility.  Although I had multiple reasons to feel awkward in us even being together, in the end, all’s well that ends well.  When I go home to a sleeping house with an irrepressible smile on my face, that can only be a good thing.

He gave me an organic experience of togetherness which I did not see coming, as if being ensconced alone together in his car, just the two of us, cocooned from the lashings of the rain and a city awashed in sleep and lights brought out a different him and/or perhaps a different me—certainly different from how we were when other people were around.  As if senses were awakened by the thrill of caramel and mocha, an unexpected and not unwelcome second wind.  What was it about sitting together, going nowhere, the spontaneity of someone who took me somewhere else, just when i thought i was already going home?  Or the effortless nature of of a time spent together carried away by a conversation altogether trivial but nonetheless mirthful in its surreal underpinnings.  Or of the thrill of spooking each other out in a blackhole of familiar streets, and of making excuses not to part ways by looking for places to satiate the hunger of the stomach and failing that, getting filled up by the afterglow of fear and shouts of release after the terror of the imagination has finished with its visions.

After the night, after being soothed to sleep by the smiles of remembrance and promises of mutual forgetting, there is in fact no assurance of what the reality of morning would bring.  I am suspended in the limbo of anticipation of tomorrow and the delicious savorings of the spontaneity of a present all too suddenly sucked by yesterday.  We do not know each other.  I am pathetically far off from being known by him and likewise I, from knowing him.  Last night could very well be the only night of its kind.  We may pass each other in the corridors of reality and not even have any kindling of spark-filled connections if in fact there were any. Or we may be overwhelmed by the brightness of the day or the jolt of being reminded that we do not exist in a vacuum. 

Perhaps there are just some things that can flourish in an environment nourished by the rhythm of the rain and the darkness of driving through the endless night.  If in fact that is the serendipity with which we are being brought forward, I will still nod to the grace of finding such a memory in the fleeting beauty of what is otherwise chaos.  I will carry no expectations nor regrets for the repercussions or the disappointments or the possibilities of what was and what awaits.

It’s been two weeks since we learned that one of our sorority sisters and classmate in law school was admitted to the hospital due to seizures.   She was eventually diagnosed with viral encephalitis ("an inflammation of the brain caused by a virus"), which i later learned could have been most probably caused by something so common as a mosquito bite.  But one of the factors that could increase one’s risk for infection is a "compromised immune system", such as an immune system besieged by stress. 

Whether or not stress was actually the cause for what happened to my sis, I remember asking to myself after i visited her in the hospital–Is it really worth it? She and I, along with so many people i know, whether law students or not, were basically in the same boat…that boat where we run ourselves to the ground keeping up with things we have to do. In our case, we’re both in our fourth (and hopefully final) year of law school and with it comes its own level of difficulty.  We may have a lighter academic load than our junior year or may have already mastered everything that is there to master about cramming and bluffing one’s way through a recitation but senior year in UP Law is all about OLA (or the UP Office of Legal Aid), where we’re actually expected to apply what we have (and haven’t) learned in our three years of law school to x number of cases–real cases with real clients and real consequences.  Then add to that more stuff to do for our orgs and stuff to do at home and stuff to do for our families and stuff to do for ourselves…

As i itemize each task that i have to do every day, i can’t help thinking that after i finish checking off what i’ve accomplished, a whole batch of tasks is waiting for me.  Then after this, after law school, comes the Bar exams, then after that being a newbie lawyer in a firm and then after that….A seemingly never-ending chain of "To-do’s" and an endless supply of stress.  Then i catch myself asking yet again THE question: "Bakit nga ulit ako nag-law?"  Up to now, after three years, the answer doesn’t seem more definite than it was when i was a freshman.  There are weeks, days, moments when it seems clear why ("because i have learned to have a genuine appreciation for it"; "because i love the fact that i’m gaining knowledge not many kids my age have"; "because i believe in its nobility")..but there are still those weeks, days, moments when i have to concede that it’s probably one of those questions with no answers. 

It could well be that there are just some things so jarring that they tend to throw everything into stark relief–stark enough to shed light on that elusive answer–such as a brain infection happening to a fellow law student or being with my mother as she underwent colonoscopy to check if she has cancer. 

As to the latter, my mom was recently diagnosed with post-operative adhesions of her colon, which is infinitely better than discovering a malignant cyst growing in her intestines.  She got the adhesions as a consequence of undergoing two caesarean section operations in order to give birth to me and my brother.  I see her grimacing in pain as the doctor poked at the spot where her intestines already narrowed due to the adhesions, that spot which had been giving her stomach pains for the last few months.  Then i see how easily irritable i’ve been in the last few days, even to my mom, because i’ve been so stressed out with the million things i have to do…And once again, is it really worth it–are those million things worth the price of showing kindness and patience to people i care about?

July 3 Monday was the first time ever that I appeared in court to represent a client and conduct actual direct examination of a witness in open court.  When my mom saw me all dressed up, she told me "Mukha ka ng abugada." As i walked out of the house and turned back to the door and see her standing there watching me go, i was a little girl again, as if going off to my first day of school..only this time, i was going  to court and i was no longer a little girl.  Just for a moment, i see something in her eyes that makes me think that perhaps there is meaning in all the madness of embarking on this career path—that look of pride on her face, that there’s at least one person out there who’s happy for what i’m becoming, even if that can come at the expense of sometimes not liking what i have become. 

To the question of "Is it worth it?", maybe that too has no answer.  Whatever has become of our lives and our selves because of the lives we choose to lead, and whatever the price we have to pay for it, we find worth in that life and in that self in any way we can, and in the best way we can. 

Why Samar?  Because it is a place I can really call home.

What is it about Samar that you love?   Fresh seafood, being close to nature, the small town atmosphere in Pagsanghan, and being with the people i love most.

What’s your favorite memory there?  The morning sunlight streaming through the upstairs window onto our sala; riding my bike through rice fields; the smell of my mother and freshly laundered sheets; the sunsets.

What do you do for fun?  I become a glorified tindera in my mother’s bakery/grocery store but it can be fun…sometimes (hehe). I like how effortless it can be for me to lose weight just by counting pandesal.  At night, i sing videoke with my brother and our friends and go around town on a motorcycle or stay up late just talking.

What clothes will you pack?  Shorts, summer dresses, pompom skirts, polo shirts, cotton slacks (for church), racer backs, crocheted tops, a dress for ballroom dancing and cotton camisoles (no long-sleeved shirts!)

What are you essential accessories?  Gold stuff, long bead necklaces, cuffs, anything wooden, watches, my new two-layered pearl necklace (a gift from my 2006 babies), aviator shades, and wide belts.

Essential footwear: Flats, ballet shoes, Havaianas, pink Celine wedges, white abaca wedges, running shoes, no closed-toe mules!

Summer scent: Ralph, The Body Shop’s Olive Oil Dry Mist and Coppertone sunblock

Summer makeup: Pink, purple, neutral, bronze, or green eyeshadow.  Less foundation, more lip gloss. The flushed, just-kissed look.

To eat: Fresh buraw and saguisi-on either fried or inihaw, oysters at P20 per bucket to be boiled and eaten with bare hands, hot monay straight from the pugon, Fruit Cocktail halo-halo and ground pork sandwich from Tina’s Garden, ice scramble, Indian mango, kinilaw na papaya with lots of suka and asin, red rice (calinayan),shabu-shabu, moron, and inihaw na bangus freshly caught from the fishpond.

To drink: Gin pom, frozen Coke at 3 pm, ice blended fruit juice

To do: Hunt for beaches, go dancing, take pictures, chat with old friends of all ages and be able to really look at the full moon and a sky blanketed by stars. This summer, i want to take more bike rides, take real hikes, play tennis, write more in my journal, go to town fiestas, and jog in the early morning.

Can’t wait to leave behind…My computer and my addiction to Bejeweled, the smog of Manila, jam-packed malls and long lines; waking up to my phone alarm

Summer beauty regimen: Sunscreen, virgin coconut oil, henna wax, and salt scrub for exfoliation.  Drink lots of iced water. Have a summer fling (hehe)

Books to read: Kostova’s The Historian, Sue Monk Kidd’s The Secret Life of Bees, Short Story Masterpieces, Keeping the Love You Find, and pretend to jumpstart my bar review by bringing my Civil Code and Revised Penal Code (hahaha)

Best souvenirs: Fabulous pictures, tinapang buraw, a recording of my parents’ voices, vintage stuff from Mama’s closet, and great kwento.

Something you want to do this summer that you’ve never done before:  To explore the caves in far-off places there and to learn how to drive a motorcycle.

Most unforgettable vacation experience: Being in Samar is not so much a vacaton but more of a retreat.  It represents an alternative life for me, a place whre I recharge and ground myself.  Every homecoming is unforgettable.