The Purple Jar

It’s been two weeks since we learned that one of our sorority sisters and classmate in law school was admitted to the hospital due to seizures.   She was eventually diagnosed with viral encephalitis ("an inflammation of the brain caused by a virus"), which i later learned could have been most probably caused by something so common as a mosquito bite.  But one of the factors that could increase one’s risk for infection is a "compromised immune system", such as an immune system besieged by stress. 

Whether or not stress was actually the cause for what happened to my sis, I remember asking to myself after i visited her in the hospital–Is it really worth it? She and I, along with so many people i know, whether law students or not, were basically in the same boat…that boat where we run ourselves to the ground keeping up with things we have to do. In our case, we’re both in our fourth (and hopefully final) year of law school and with it comes its own level of difficulty.  We may have a lighter academic load than our junior year or may have already mastered everything that is there to master about cramming and bluffing one’s way through a recitation but senior year in UP Law is all about OLA (or the UP Office of Legal Aid), where we’re actually expected to apply what we have (and haven’t) learned in our three years of law school to x number of cases–real cases with real clients and real consequences.  Then add to that more stuff to do for our orgs and stuff to do at home and stuff to do for our families and stuff to do for ourselves…

As i itemize each task that i have to do every day, i can’t help thinking that after i finish checking off what i’ve accomplished, a whole batch of tasks is waiting for me.  Then after this, after law school, comes the Bar exams, then after that being a newbie lawyer in a firm and then after that….A seemingly never-ending chain of "To-do’s" and an endless supply of stress.  Then i catch myself asking yet again THE question: "Bakit nga ulit ako nag-law?"  Up to now, after three years, the answer doesn’t seem more definite than it was when i was a freshman.  There are weeks, days, moments when it seems clear why ("because i have learned to have a genuine appreciation for it"; "because i love the fact that i’m gaining knowledge not many kids my age have"; "because i believe in its nobility")..but there are still those weeks, days, moments when i have to concede that it’s probably one of those questions with no answers. 

It could well be that there are just some things so jarring that they tend to throw everything into stark relief–stark enough to shed light on that elusive answer–such as a brain infection happening to a fellow law student or being with my mother as she underwent colonoscopy to check if she has cancer. 

As to the latter, my mom was recently diagnosed with post-operative adhesions of her colon, which is infinitely better than discovering a malignant cyst growing in her intestines.  She got the adhesions as a consequence of undergoing two caesarean section operations in order to give birth to me and my brother.  I see her grimacing in pain as the doctor poked at the spot where her intestines already narrowed due to the adhesions, that spot which had been giving her stomach pains for the last few months.  Then i see how easily irritable i’ve been in the last few days, even to my mom, because i’ve been so stressed out with the million things i have to do…And once again, is it really worth it–are those million things worth the price of showing kindness and patience to people i care about?

July 3 Monday was the first time ever that I appeared in court to represent a client and conduct actual direct examination of a witness in open court.  When my mom saw me all dressed up, she told me "Mukha ka ng abugada." As i walked out of the house and turned back to the door and see her standing there watching me go, i was a little girl again, as if going off to my first day of school..only this time, i was going  to court and i was no longer a little girl.  Just for a moment, i see something in her eyes that makes me think that perhaps there is meaning in all the madness of embarking on this career path—that look of pride on her face, that there’s at least one person out there who’s happy for what i’m becoming, even if that can come at the expense of sometimes not liking what i have become. 

To the question of "Is it worth it?", maybe that too has no answer.  Whatever has become of our lives and our selves because of the lives we choose to lead, and whatever the price we have to pay for it, we find worth in that life and in that self in any way we can, and in the best way we can. 

This entry was posted on Wednesday, July 5th, 2006 at 10:48 am and is filed under Family, Law, Life. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.